Parentification: The Hidden Struggle Behind Resistance to Change

Parentification represents one of the greatest challenges in psychotherapy from the perspective of resistance to change. The internal desolation and identity diffusion it creates, coupled with a pervasive unconscious attachment to past traumatic experiences of being unseen, unimportant, non-existent, and required to attend to others, forms some of the most persistent resistances to the psychotherapeutic process. These dynamics underpin deeply entrenched self-sabotaging tendencies in parentified individuals. Because the childhood trauma of parentification leaves deep-seated psychological scars, much of which are embedded in the unconscious, addressing symptoms—commonly those of anxiety, depression, addiction, relationship issues, eating disorders, and workaholism—is often ineffective. This is because it does not address the root causes embedded deep within the individual’s personality and, as a result, rarely yields long-term results.

The residues of parentification consequently are rarely evident at first glance. Its internal desolation remains unconscious and hidden, often only surfacing when explicitly pointed out in therapy or when life circumstances expose it—often during early midlife. Until then, parentified individuals may remain unaware. Over time, however, feelings of being lost and unfulfilled emerge—a pervasive sense that something is missing. This may manifest in an unfulfilling career or romantic relationship, or in social dynamics where one attends to others at their own expense. Serving others—even one’s own children—can leave a person wondering where they took the wrong turn. Conversely, some may live a life devoid of meaningful relationships, which is often anchored in their resentment towards meeting the needs of others. These individuals often remain emotionally dependent on their parents but similarly as often deny or rationalise it.

Rarely do we see a full resolution of internal conflicts inflicted by parentification—not because such resolution is impossible, but because it is just too painful to bear. The internal change that such treatment evokes is not merely a shift in how one experiences oneself or others; it transforms how one experiences life in the present, how they anticipate the future, and how they relate to the past. Coming to terms with lost time and mourning can make internal change daunting to the point of incapacitation. For many clients, it feels safer to bury their head in the sand and avoid the pain. Unfortunately, the ability to avoid is yet another fantasy as one cannot run away from themselves.

As parentified individuals undergo change, they often fear that transformation will lead them to become selfish, uncaring, or self-absorbed. These fears are accompanied by anxieties that this will inevitably lead to abandonment, rejection, and ultimately, profound aloneness. This underpins resistance to change and work through these internal conflicts.

The Developmental Consequences of Parentification: Identity Diffusion, Emptiness, Abandonment Fears, and Relational Difficulties

As the parent places demands on the child that are not only inappropriate for the child’s age and level of emotional maturation but also require the child to meet the parent’s needs, the child’s process of becoming their own person is compromised. The stage of separation–individuation is disrupted (Earley & Cushway, 2002), and identity formation stalls. The child begins to develop their sense of self around the needs of the parent, slowly neglecting their own in the same way the parent neglects them.

In this process, the roles reverse: the parent adopts the dependent position, while the child becomes the caretaker (Engelhardt, 2012). Whilst the child is emotionally available for the parent, the opposite is not true (Hooper, 2007)—a dangerous role reversal that signals the parent’s emotional infantility. The child is treated as an extension of the parent’s self, a dynamic rooted in the parent’s own immaturity and narcissistic wound. By having their needs subjugated by their parent, the child not only neglects their own needs and their own authenticity but also develops pathological dependency on the parent, which later in life extents to other relationships. Their sense of self becomes contingent on how well they meet the parent’s needs, slowly alienating them from their own authenticity and evoking building an identity around the needs of others in order to retain attachment (Goldner et al., 2022).

This dynamic means the child will grow into an identity-less adult who, in their relationships, feels worthy, important, existent, or seen only when meeting the needs of others. These relationships are often characterised by a paradox: whilst they take care of others, they tend—often unconsciously—to feel entitled to having their own needs met (Tolmacz et al., 2025). This entitlement stems from their experience of deprivation in childhood and the subsequent belief that now it is their turn to receive care. As this perception is not grounded in reality but rather in an unconscious fantasy, resentment often emerges as they continue to feel hungry for nurturing.

Experience of Abandonment

One of the most prominent consequences of parentification is the experience of abandonment that a child internalises in their interaction with an emotionally dependent caregiver. Many parentified individuals are surprised to discover this—often through the course of therapy—that they have all along carried the experience of abandonment and the fear of it deep within.

This is partly because, on one hand, many parentified individuals grow into excessively independent adults who take care of others and do not perceive themselves as vulnerable to abandonment. Also, the abandonment they experienced as children was rarely overt. Rather, it stemmed from the parent’s emotional unavailability (Engelhardt, 2012) and from the fact that, by expecting the child to meet their needs while neglecting the child’s own, the parent effectively abandoned the child emotionally. Furthermore, a child who was recognised only when attending to the parent’s emotional needs will fear abandonment should they ever fail to fulfil the role assigned to them.

As a result, parentified individuals often grow into adults characterised by perpetual, conscious or unconscious fears of abandonment that shape their relationships. When they engage in therapy and begin to work through the root causes of their trauma, these fears frequently resurface. The prospect of change may evoke intense anxiety, leading to resistance and sabotage of treatment. Although they may recognise that their fears of abandonment are not rational but rather remnants of their past, the prospect of loneliness if they change may be so overwhelming that inaction may become the only option.

This fear often leads individuals to remain in relationships that are unsatisfying or unfulfilling—where they feel unseen, underappreciated or even abused. Paradoxically, they may flee relationships where they genuinely experience love or care. This is because tapping into their insatiable hunger for love, care, and being seen, which developed from unmet childhood needs, is too painful. They fear opening up an immense need for love and care would overwhelm them and make them dependent on their partner. Consequently, they avoid entering authentic and emotionally mature relationships, whether romantic or social, which is often quite the opposite to what they stated as a goal when seeking therapy.

The Void (Emptiness)

An experience of internal void or emptiness is one of the most significant symptoms of parentification. This experience may be conscious or unconscious, often emerging during life crises or in the course of psychotherapy—particularly therapy that focuses on accessing unconscious internal conflicts.

Parentification creates the experience of emptiness or void because the child’s authenticity and authentic needs are completely missed by the caregiver. As the child’s authenticity is replaced by expectations to meet the parent’s needs, a conditional identity is formed. This represents a false self, encapsulating deep emptiness and existing only under the condition of attending to others.

The void is a relic of the lost childhood (Robinson, 1999)—a childhood that never existed and one that never will. Witnessing a person access these empty parts and see them realise not only that they are there but also that the lost childhood cannot be reclaimed is one of the most heartbreaking moments in therapy. For the parentified individual, this realisation often triggers denial and resistance to letting go of the false hope hidden in an unconscious fantasy that one day, if they only do the right thing, the emptiness will be filled, a new life will begin, and a saviour will enter to take care of them.

Paradoxically, part of the resistance to change during psychotherapy stems from the illusion that hope can be preserved if the person avoids confronting reality—that nothing and no one will fill the void or restore what was lost. Coming to terms with this reality and mourning the fantasy of a new life is often the most painful and transformative aspect of the therapeutic process.

Feeling Unseen

Parentification involves a shift in the focus of need fulfilment from the child to the parent, leaving the child unnoticed and their efforts to be recognised futile. Within family dynamics, these children are often described as “invisible,” “good,” and “loyal” (DiCaccavo, 2006). They live with the experience of being behind a one-way mirror—unseen—while the parent sees only themselves and their own needs. This dynamic fuels a chronically unmet need for recognition and stimulus.

In adulthood, these internal deficits manifest as a persistent hunger for recognition—either directly through social or romantic relationships, often underpinning toxic and abusive relationships, or indirectly through high achievement and performance, fuelling workaholism. The need for stimulus may appear as a chronic craving for excitement and escapism, underpinning addictions such as substance abuse, compulsive spending, sexual compulsivity, or other thrill-seeking behaviours. In psychotherapy of parentification, resistance to change frequently arises from the fear that life will become boring, mediocre, or unexciting once their need for excitement is resolved.

Chronic deprivation of recognition and stimulus also creates a chronic sense of loneliness and aloneness, which becomes embedded in the individual’s internal world. Attempts to satisfy these unmet needs through relationships or excitement often serve as defences against these feelings of isolation. Clinically, overachievers, workaholics, and high performers often defend against loneliness through relentless striving for success. This can lead to resistance in therapy as individuals fear that therapeutic work will spoil their high-performing abilities—a fear that, if explored, often reveals itself as an infantile unconscious fantasy.

The experience of feeling unseen is a defining feature of parentified individuals’ romantic and social relationships. They frequently re-enact their childhood trauma of invisibility, which was often deeply unconscious during childhood but surfaces in adulthood as feelings of being unseen, unheard, or misunderstood. A paradox emerges: while they feel unseen, they also avoid opening up and confiding in others, keeping their own needs out of relationships for fear of overwhelming others. Thus, while they perceive themselves as unseen, they simultaneously maintain their invisibility. Acting otherwise evokes fears of being self-absorbed, needy, selfish, or entitled—fears that often underpin resistance to change in therapy.

Furthermore, while parentified individuals perceive themselves as unseen and misunderstood, they often unconsciously replicate what was done to them by doing it to others. They may enter relationships with an unconscious sense of entitlement and righteousness, rooted in the logic that, because their needs were unmet in the past, they are now entitled to have them met. This dynamic, being unconscious, leads them to view themselves as carers and saviours while holding resentment when others fail to reciprocate. They struggle to see others for who they truly are, misinterpret social cues, and project their own needs onto others—attempting to save or help people who neither need nor want saving. Their neediness and clinginess often surface in these situations, despite their outwardly avoidant and distant behaviour in relationships.

Feeling Lost and Directionless

One of the common residuals of parentification—though rarely available to their immediate awareness—is a pervasive sense of being lost, directionless, or confused. This experience stems from identity diffusion, the absence of appropriate guidance, and chronic isolation during childhood.

Parentification involves a role reversal between parent and child, which removes one of the core elements of parenting: providing guidance. In its absence, the child internalises confusion and a lack of direction, later defending against these feelings by attempting to create their own sense of direction. The difficulty lies in the fact that, without parental guidance, the child constructs this direction by mimicking an adult person rather than being an adult. As a result, parentified adults often exhibit an infantile quality in their life goals. For example, career ambitions may seem superficially mature but carry an underlying infantility and child-like undertone.

Because the parent failed to support the child’s development into emotional maturity and autonomy, parentified individuals remain stuck in a state of perpetual infantility—a quality that can be felt in interactions, as though one is relating to a grown-up child. In relationships, including the psychotherapeutic relationship, they may present as overly compliant or rebellious, resembling children or adolescents. Both their cognitive processes and emotional worlds tend to mirror those of a younger developmental stage. Consequently, their internal guidance system is based on a child-like perception of reality rather than a mature, adult view of life and relationships.

Feeling Stuck

At the core of parentification is the child’s attempt to survive psychologically by adapting to the parent and their needs. This adaptation directly prevents the child from achieving the autonomy and individuation that underpin a mature and authentic adult identity. Because the parent’s needs take precedence over all others (Engelhardt, 2012), the parentified individual later struggles to exist as a cohesive self unless they meet the needs of others—needs that often reflect internalised parental demands projected onto others rather than genuine needs.

This pathological focus on others creates dependency on relationships and leaves the individual unable to feel whole unless they derive worth and meaning from attending to others. At the heart of this dynamic lies the experience of feeling stuck. While this “stuckness” may be felt in life generally, it most often surfaces during psychotherapy, when the internal attachment to meeting others’ needs is often challenged. Initially, what appears on a practical level is that the parentified individual fears of becoming selfish or self-absorbed if they attend to their own needs. This conflict often begins with attempts to find a middle ground between caring for themselves and caring for others—such as family, children, or spouses—the middle ground that does not exist and is only an illusion, ever-present like a mirage.

As therapy progresses, deeper foundations of these internal conflicts emerge. Pursuing individuality and authenticity, and striving for the freedom they have long desired, evokes overwhelming fears of abandonment, aloneness, directionlessness, and loss of self. At such times, therapeutic progress feels threatening—not only to their way of living but to their relationships. The prospect of relinquishing the role of carer triggers fears of losing identity, purpose, direction, and relationships—romantic, familial, and social. It feels as though one is embarking on a life of solitude and a life that feels as though it is not theirs.

Unconsciously, the individual resists the path of change because it feels like abandonment and desolation but is, in reality, a path toward freedom and authenticity. Simultaneously, they resist maintaining a life of being hostage to others’ needs. This ambivalence creates the experience of being stuck. They may feel unable to move forward in therapy, when in fact they are unwilling to become unstuck in life and detach from their internalised obligation to meet others’ needs and, if their dependency caused them to enter toxic relationships, to also exit those.

This experience of being stuck normally shows itself as resistance to treatment. If unresolved, it may lead to acting out—such as leaving therapy under the illusion of escaping a stuck place. Paradoxically, this act anchors them even deeper in the conflict between sacrificing themselves for others and yearning for fulfilment and freedom. By abandoning therapy, they preserve the fantasy that impasse lies in the external world rather than within. In reality, as they leave, they carry the internal impasse with them.

Hope and Hopelessness

One of prevalent characteristics of parentified individuals is the internal conflict between hope and hopelessness—and how this dynamic colours their adult relationships and life in general. Its origins lie in childhood. When a child’s needs are ignored and unseen while they are forced to meet the parent’s needs, the child grows up with a perpetual emptiness and hunger for recognition and care. The child does not relinquish their need for care; instead, they defer it, holding on to the hope that one day it will finally be fulfilled. To avoid falling into despair, the child develops an unconscious fantasy: that one day their needs will be met—provided they do a good job meeting the parent’s needs.

This fantasy—“one day, when my parent’s needs are met and they are happy, it will be my turn”—becomes a psychological lifeline that provides the hope needed to live on. It is the carrot on the stick that prevents hopelessness from draining their life energy, allowing them to keep moving forward. In adulthood, particularly in romantic relationships, this fantasy persists: once they meet their partner’s needs, their own will finally be met. This expectation often carries a sense of entitlement and leads to resentment and bitterness when reality fails to match the fantasy.

Their hunger for being seen and cared for is further amplified by their tendency to choose partners who are themselves dependent, needy, and emotionally immature—often still enmeshed with their own parents. This dynamic drastically reduces the likelihood that the parentified individual will ever feel cared for. This usually raises an intuitive question: why do they not choose mature partners capable of adult relationships? The answer lies in the unconscious fear of abandonment. A parentified individual, accustomed to securing attachment by meeting others’ needs, feels threatened by a partner who does not require care. Such a relationship evokes fears of losing their sense of self.

In therapy, this dynamic often manifests as an unconscious expectation that the therapeutic process will somehow help them change the partner into someone who meets their needs—while they themselves remain unchanged. When these fantasies are challenged, the underlying hopelessness of never having their needs met surfaces, often leading to resistance. Hopelessness is frequently projected onto therapy itself: “This therapy is hopeless in getting me what I want in life.” This perception drives the search for “other solutions” that preserve the fantasy of eventual fulfilment.

Thus, the internal conflict between hope and hopelessness forms rigid, self-defeating patterns that are repeatedly re-enacted in adult relationships and within the therapeutic setting—until the underlying developmental deficits are recognised and mourned through the psychotherapeutic process.

Conclusion

Parentification is a developmental trauma that leaves deep and enduring scars one the victim’s personality. These scars are covert and hidden from consciousness yet profoundly influencing an individual’s life. It leaves a lasting mark on one’s sense of self, relational patterns, and how the person experiences the world and life. Because the defining feature of parentification is a sense of self that remains dependent on relationships or internalised ideals, working through these internal psychological conflicts requires confronting the emptiness and void beneath this false identity.

Addressing symptoms such as anxiety, depression, addiction, or relationship difficulties in isolation of the underlying personality impairments does not yield lasting results. Therapeutic approaches that focus solely on cognitive-behavioural strategies without addressing underlying personality dynamics typically provide only short-term relief and are ineffective in producing lasting change. Similarly, supportive or solution-focused interventions may even be counterproductive, as they reinforce the client’s perception of needing an external saviour to be able to cope.

The therapeutic challenge lies in addressing the underlying pervasive internal dynamics while managing fears of abandonment, identity loss, and hopelessness—fears that can lead to self-sabotage and destroy treatment. Successful therapy involves facilitating the individual in accepting the painful reality that their unmet childhood needs will never be fulfilled and mourning this loss. Because the residues of parentification lie deep within the unconscious, resolution demands work at that level.

This process is complex and inevitably painful, yet it is the only path to autonomy, emotional maturity, and relationships grounded in mutuality rather than in transactional obligation.

 Ales Zivkovic, MSc (TA Psych), CTA(P), TSTA(P), Psychotherapist, Counsellor, Supervisor

Ales Zivkovic is a psychotherapist, counsellor, and clinical supervisor. He holds an MSc in Transactional Analysis Psychotherapy awarded by Middlesex University in London, UK. He is also a Teaching and Supervising Transactional Analyst (TSTA-P) and a Certified Transactional Analyst in the field of Psychotherapy (CTA-P). Ales gained extensive experience during his work with individuals and groups in the UK National Health Service (NHS) and his private psychotherapy, counselling, and clinical supervision practice in central London, UK. He is also a full clinical member of the United Kingdom Council for Psychotherapy (UKCP). Ales works with individuals, couples, and groups. In clinical setting, he especially focuses on the treatment of issues of childhood trauma, personality disorders, and relationship issues. A large proportion of his practice involves online psychotherapy as he works with clients from all over the world. Ales developed a distinct psychotherapeutic approach called interpretive dynamic transactional analysis psychotherapy (IDTAP). More about Ales, as well as how to reach him, can be found here.

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